Learning to say, 'No'

I had a phone call yesterday from a member of our community asking me if I'd booked him a place at the Annual Meetings.  I hadn't.  The last discussion at a meeting at the end of January was for him to discuss with someone else about sharing our delegate allocation and for them to get on with it. A previous treasurer had done Annual Meetings bookings some years ago - but I am not the Treasurer.  He asked if I would now do the booking if the days were sorted out with this other man - I said that I wouldn't as they were perfectly capable of doing this themselves. The conversation then went onto general things - how was I? - tired - you always look tired, you do too much, you have to learn to say 'no' - well I have done that in this conversation haven't I?  The irony was not lost.


The previous week I had been at a sub-committee meeting as a visitor - it focuses on the building and I have avoided full-time involvement (because I do too much!). Anyway I had found it quite difficult to follow what works needed doing, which needed planning permission and which pots of funding could be used for what.  So prior to the meeting I had put my understanding of the work to be done in tables and emailed these to people asking people to amend them to accurately reflect the situation. One person printed them off, wrote his comments and sent the documents to me. At the meeting I said that this really wasn't very helpful as the expectation seemed to be that I would have to type this person's comments in.  I have already had similar conversations when I get handwritten stuff for the newsletter. The best bit was when I was told that I was now the only person who had these tables with these comments as if somehow I had engineered this.


Last year we had a meeting when someone suggested that we send a letter to support a campaign.  I then asked who would do this. Someone said that as I was secretary that I should do this.  I responded that just because I was secretary did not mean that everything that needed writing was my job and that I already had enough to do. No-one else came forward so the letter wasn't written.


On Sunday at a brief after-service meeting we had an issue with minutes. Although I am the secretary I am not the minute secretary and she was away. No-one said that they would do them so the chair agreed to note agreed actions. In the longer term we said that we would get a minute book.  Someone volunteered to take notes during the meeting if the minutes secretary was not there. I volunteered to scan the notes in and send them round. Someone else suggested that we do this for three months to see if it works better (including being quicker) than our current system. This might not be ideal but it might actually work for us.


And the point of all this? If there is someone(s) in your congregation that you are concerned about because you think that they do too much - don't expect them to give up something that doesn't impact on you to make their life easier. Encourage them to give up something that does impact on you. Take some of their burden away or at the very least don't add to it. And if you are the one who does a lot do try very kindly but firmly to tell people that you won't do whatever it is, that either they can do it, someone else has to do it, you pay someone to do it or it doesn't get done.


At some point I want to identify the work that needs doing to run our community and to detail who does what and when. It is difficult in small communities which have no paid administrative staff. At some point this may become a problem and if it does it needs working through - like our minute book.  We need to find solutions, which may not be ideal, but have a chance of working and of saving someone a job.


Ultimately if we are building community then we all have our overalls on at times - we all have to put some time and effort in. We also have to appreciate that somethings might not happen because although we may have the will, we don't have the wherewithal - not enough time, energy or ability. As ever we have to recognise that we are all in this together. 

Love

It just so happens that it is St Valentine's Day today - whatever that may mean. I am a cautious supporter of commercialism as it provides jobs for many people. However commercialism can over-shadow thought and reflection about different seasons and special days. I have been mulling over this post for some time it just so happens that I am writing it today.


There has been some talk on national forums about the rights of existing congregation/community members and those of new people as if a rights-based approach is what guides our actions. Even if it did I am not sure who could define the rights of anyone within a congregation without also talking about people's responsibilities. New people coming into any group cannot have the same 'rights' as those who have been here a long time - what have they invested in the community? Our 'old timers' have spent years in service to their community washing dishes, cutting lawns, doing the accounts, attending hours of meetings, donating money, visiting sick people, writing newsletters etc etc. It is because of them that we are here, now with a spiritual community to belong to.


But this really is not the point - the point is love.  When we are in spiritual community with people we are creating right relationship with all of those we find ourselves with.  We are moving in the direction of love - sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is harder - but it is always the right thing to do. Can we say that we love people who we have known briefly or those we do know not at all (the closet Unitarians located somewhere near our building) as much as those people we have committed to loving over some/many years? If we truly love people then we want the best for them not just the sub-set of people who believe what we believe.


If we want to change and modernise and if we want to reach out as well as in then we must surely decide to do this together.  If we decide that the majority has it and we are going to make significant changes without taking people along with us, then are we really prepared to wound those people that we love, who love us and who love our community? There are ways to gently challenge, there are ways to ensure that we provide a range of spiritual and social offerings, there are ways to make our love real.  These things may slow down any process for change but they are fundamental - because love is fundamental.  I would not want to join a community which behaved otherwise.

Love, understanding and a supportive hand

The Unitarian spiritual community extends beyond our own congregational or local boundaries.  All local communities are part of a wider district and are all members of the General Assembly.  We take our place within international networks like the International Council of Unitarians and Universalists.  What allegiance do we owe to any of these? Should we be compassionate in our actions and our words towards those we would call our spiritual bedfellows (or such like!). 


Facebook is a means of discussing issues with fellow Unitarians and those who are interested in it.  You might be forgiven for thinking that what goes on in the UK Unitarian Facebook group is a reflection of UK Unitarianism as it has 315 members but there are probably no more than 30 active, regular commentators.


In recent months we have lost some contributors because of the way that discussions have gone or what particular people have written.  Sometimes it is difficult to keep the faith when people make quite pointed or judgemental comments towards individuals - in particular if that individual is you.

I awoke this morning to find one particular post entitled 'This is the *rubbish* Unitarians say' thread. What should be in it?'  The word wasn't rubbish but let's gloss over that.  A fairly high profile Unitarian was inviting others to be critical of their fellow Unitarians. What was the purpose to this?  Was it to build community?  Was it to express compassion to our fellow Unitarians? Was it to explore what people think, to try to understand?  Was it a marketing ploy to increase the number of people attracted to Unitarianism?

It appears that what a question like this does is create a Unitarian universe where there are us and them.  Us - we - are good, forward- thinking, the saviours of Unitarianism in the UK today.  Them - they - are the ones who have questionable ideas, say bad things and are driving Unitarianism into oblivion.  This is a dualistic world.  This is a world of conflict.  This is a world where we look at the mote in everyone else's eyes but do not look at the mote in our own.

Thankfully only six people participated in this thread. One actually said, 'Every point of view is valid in its own way, whatever size.'  However this is an open group - anyone who has a Facebook account can see it.  Is this really what we want to be showing to the world - is this how we want to be 'marketing' Unitarianism?  'Hey, come join this group of people - some of whom talk rubbish and others who like to think that they don't and point the finger at those who they think do.'

I believe that I have said some startlingly daft things in the past and continue to do so.  I believe that I am full of contradictions and prejudice.  I believe that working in community I can become a better person.  Because I believe that about myself then I believe that about other people.  I do not grow by being sniped at or put down.  I do not grow by people picking on one thing that I have said and rubbishing that.  I do not grow by having those who consider themselves better than me lecturing me.  I grow when people show me love, understanding and a supportive hand.  

History

There is something about history that either turns people off or turns people on. I have to say that it intrigues me. Not the big stuff but the little things about how people lived, their relationships and the influences upon them. It makes me wonder how much of what I am is because of when and where I was born.


But like it or not some of us have to take account of history because we own historical buildings.  As ever I think that if you have something then you have to make it work for you.  History works for us because it brings people into our building.  We participate in Heritage Open Days and we have a link with a very popular local historian who has done talks in our building.  We are currently working on a service about the Titanic.  


There are local connections, Captain Smith was born in Stoke-on-Trent which is down the road and Thomas Andrews, the designer who went down with the ship, and many of the directors of Harland and Wolff who built the ship, were Unitarians/Non-Subscribers. Some of us will find this intrinsically interesting but others may just see it as an opportunity to get some media coverage and to potentially have new people visit our building.


I think that history has lessons to teach us.  One of the problems with the Titanic was its size - this was celebrated as a wonderful feat of engineering but captains and their crews were not used to steering such large boats.  Captain Smith had already had one accident in a previous boat that he had captained - but apparently this was not unusual.  So does innovation always come with increased risk? I suspect that it does.


The other thing that strikes me about the Titanic disaster was the way that the lives of those with money were thought to be more valuable than those without.  I hope that things have changed and that this is less so these days.  It has not completely disappeared and I expect that we can all think of cases where this is not true. But this is one of the things that history usually does, it makes me feel gratitude.  Grateful that I was born at a time and in a place of plenty and comfort.


I suppose then we have to ask the question,'If I have so much, what must I give in return to those less fortunate?'  From those that have to those who do not. Which brings me round nicely to another debate that we are having about our charitable giving.  But that is food for another blog post.

Access - the larger picture

We are currently debating the use of our building, and its accessibility.  With a few modifications the physical access would be considerably improved. But of course physical access is not the be all and end all of access. In the main physical access is less important than communication access - if you don't know what's going on then you are not likely to try to get to the place. As a community which attempts to be inclusive we need to ensure that we make ourselves aware of a range of needs and how we can best help people.


I have worked in social care and in community development so have some understanding of the range of needs that we may experience ourselves or encounter. Apart from direct physical access they include

• Having the correct information in a timely manner;
• Having the information in accessible formats;
• Having transport;
• A nearby bus-stop;
• Clear signage;
• Times of services;
• The language used;
• Support from people with children;
• Having hymns in large print;
• Good lighting;
• Having a loop system; 
• Having an accessible toilet; and
• Specific dietary needs. 

We already do things to ensure that the place and our community are accessible. This ranges from helping people with lifts; to ensuring that everyone gets information, at times putting that information onto CD; printing out large print hymns; and generally trying to ensure that people are included. Often people with specific needs are most affected by attitudes.


If we as a community are to be committed to accessibility then we must look very broadly at what this means and then commit, every one of us, to doing something about it.


Here are a few websites which might be helpful


http://www.churchesforall.org.uk/all_welcome.html


http://www.christian-horizons.org/downloads/Church%20Accessibility%20Handouts.pdf

New Year - reality hits!

Our first service of the New Year and we were exploring what we do as a community to make our faith real in the world.  I guess one of the questions that we have to ask is, 'Do people join a faith community to take part in social action?'  There has been some discussion on the comments of a UUA (Unitarian Universalist in the US) blog with some saying they did. And some saying that what they do in terms of social action is quite separate although they would be happy to share what they do with their fellows.


I certainly didn't join a faith community to get involved in social action - this was one area of my life which was well developed.  I have been volunteering since I was 12 and I'm now 57.  Apart from maybe three years I have been actively volunteering my whole adult life. I have been a Unitarian for 12 of those years. This is not to say that we shouldn't participate in social action as a community but for me my personal choices about where I give my time volunteering are already well-established and currently difficult to change. 


The question then might be, 'What do we define as social action?'  Is it always about what we do outside of our communities or is it also about what we do within our communities?  We have had a difficult few years with many people experiencing significant bereavements and health and disability issues. Much of our attention has been within rather than without. We have been living out the tenet that charity (love) begins at home. Although 2012 looks a bit brighter there are still some issues - and some of these can be dealt with by working on the building to make it more accessible.  But more of this later.


So social action/witness can include to my mind how we help each other.  It may include how we use our non-human resources - our building and our money. It can also be about how we use our human resources - our skills, our time and our compassion.


I then want to ask the question, 'What does our community have to offer which is particular to a faith community, to our faith community?' We did find our way to this and came up with

• Our building
• Our open faith and belief in religious tolerance
• Our willingness to make alliances with other, like-minded organisations - we have already had an approach from the regional worker for Friends of the Earth via Facebook
• Our connections which already exist for example with the inter-faith forum and the IARF
• Our ability to influence our district and the General Assembly
• Our connections with other Unitarians elsewhere in the country
• Our skills, abilities and experience for example we have a registrar within our community who is going to find out about registering our building for civil partnerships; and we would like to start offering healing services
• Our existing approach to charitable giving
• Our goodwill 

Driving home I reflected that we had drifted into a solutions focused approach.  Whilst I felt that I needed to put a marker down to say that I was unable to commit much new time to anything.  As one of the people who lives closest, who handles the lettings as well as all the secretarial duties, I am aware of the work that goes into just keeping us going let alone taking on something new.  I am also aware that if we commit to something we have to do it which often takes more time than we at first estimate.

So focusing on what we have and being honest about what we don't, we have come up with some suggestions.  Perhaps we have not come up with something as big and as bold as some of our local faith communities but we have continued a debate that we started last year and come up with some real actions. We will also keep talking about this.

So to our building - we are hoping to make it more accessible and to make a second lettable space.  This will impact on the lives of those who use our building as a member of our faith community and those who just want a cheap place to hold meetings. It may be seen as a distraction but our physical space is a key element to our community.  it reflects us and our values.  It always takes much longer than anticipated to get these things done.  

I am glad that we started 2012 looking out but recognise the reality that the sum total of what we do in 2012 will be very similar to what we did in 2011. 

May 2012 bring us renewed commitment and patience to achieve our goals; the will to achieve these goals together; the will to achieve these goals together in good faith with good will; and a renewed commitment to a life serving others - our loved ones and strangers, who as they say, are just friends we've yet to meet.

Where Unitarians get their inspiration

And yet more inspiration from Facebook - who would have thought?!


There was a debate about whether people attending Christian services understood much about the finer points of theology and at some point I wrote


I think that people are much more alive to their own personal relationship with God/the divine and much more open to other influences e.g. the TV, books,the radio and the Internet then in times gone by.


A little later I was surfing for another topic and came across the six sources of the Unitarian Universalist Association - here's the explanation and detail ...



Unitarian Universalists place emphasis on spiritual growth and development. Unitarian Universalism is a creedless religion. The Unitarian Universalist Association affirms seven principles: The official statement of Unitarian Universalist principles describes the "sources" upon which current practice is based:


1. Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life;
2. Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love;
3. Wisdom from the world's religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life;
4. Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God's love by loving our neighbors as ourselves;
5. Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit.
6. Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature.


I would argue a bit with four - because whilst our roots may be Christian and Jewish - there are other roots in other religions and the Golden Rule (treating others as you yourself would want to be treated) can be found in most, if not all, of them.


Which led my to our national website which says something similar but not in one place.  Here it all is ...

We believe that

• Everyone has the right to seek truth and meaning for themselves.
• The fundamental tools for doing this are your life experiences, your reflection upon it, your intuitive understanding and the promptings of your own conscience.

And then 

On our personal life journey we are aided and inspired by:

• The example and spiritual insights of others.
• Writings deemed 'holy' and 'sacred' by the various faith traditions of humanity.
• Inherited traditions of critical and philosophical thought.
• The ongoing creative work of artists, musicians and writers.
• The scientist's search for knowledge and understanding.

I like the fact that the UK sources include a more egalitarian view of inspiration - it doesn't have to be teachings, religious wisdom or the words of the prophets.  How often are we inspired by our fellow travellers, by simple acts of kindness or an encouraging word? My blog is evidence to the fact that I get a lot of inspiration from words written on Facebook.


When we are in spiritual community sometimes, or perhaps often, it isn't an individual but a group experience which moves and inspires us. Whilst it is always nice to get recognition it is really not important who said what, whether it be a prophet or our next door neighbour.  It is the content of the message and the meaning that we extract from it.


Perhaps each local community could have a go at describing where their inspiration comes from.